As a relationship therapist, I know the theories and techniques behind relational healing. I’ve walked alongside many clients through the messy and brave work of figuring out what’s going on in their relationships. But it took sitting in couple therapy with my husband, Emrys, to remember just how hard that work is.
Over the past few years, I’ve gone through significant transitions—starting a new business, separation, starting a new relationship, getting married and having a baby. Emrys and I began our relationship with deep love and a shared commitment to growth, but we also brought with us the weight of our pasts. Both of us are survivors of early childhood trauma. Both of us have endured abusive relationships. And we’re navigating all of this as a non-monogamous couple raising two kids (with hopefully more along the way). We both took a sharp left off the highway to off road to who-knows-where, and we are flying by the seat of our pants.
When the Therapist Becomes the Client
As a therapist, I’m trained to stay calm in emotional storms, toco-regulate with my clients, to ask the right questions, and to help others see themselves and others more clearly. But in my own life, that training feels useless and irrelevant.
There were many moments when I wanted to cancel our couple therapy appointments. It was so shocking to see that part of me – the avoidant part - but each relationship gives us the opportunity to learn new things about ourselves and how we relate to others. It’s a vulnerable thing to open yourself up to scrutiny—not just from a therapist, but from your partner, especially when we can’t control the outcome. Even with all my professional experience, it takes everything in me to show up, week after week.
The Uneven Terrain of Healing
There’s no smooth road through this kind of work—no predictable arc of progress. Emrys and I have had weeks where we leave feeling hopeful, and others where everything feels heavier than before. It’s uneven terrain, and yet we keep returning to it. We keep climbing back into our Jeep—metaphorically and literally—and driving into the hard conversations.
What I’ve Learned—As a Therapist and aPartner
Being a client again has softened the way I work as a therapist. I had forgotten how difficult it is to sit in that chair (you know the one) –to be the client. It has reminded me to move much slower, to stay grounded in what matters, and to honour and respect the strength, resilience and courage it takes to sit across from me (the therapist).
I’ve always known that the love, especially love as experienced by trauma survivors, is messy. It’s messy as fuck. But it’s also beautifully deep and resilient.
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